I have a confession to make. When I was in my teenage years, I was a fangirl. And the artists I was freaking out over was.. ''drum rolls.''

One Direction! (shocker) 

One Direction was a boyband who consisted of five members who got put together into a group on the talent show: The X-Factor UK in 2010.

After coming in third on the show, One Direction got signed to Syco Records and became the world greatest boy band. With a fanbase who kept growing and was crazy hysterical! 

Little teenage me went to every single concert they had in Sweden, and 3/4 times I purchased an ''Early Entry VIP Package'' AND queued for hours to be front row. Looking back, this seems insane to me.

I remembered crying a lot during the shows, even after the concert was over. I was on the floor crying out of happiness and excitement. 

I cannot help but wonder now that I am 21 years old, as I am still a huge fan and been to both Harry Styles' and Niall Horan's solo tours, are people fans of them because of the music or because of their image and looks? Are their fanbases genuine? 

Because, when they are out walking on the streets, after five minutes the police have to shut down the road because it gets too crazy. Fans are waiting outside their hotels, keeping them trapped inside. If you compare this to very successful bands such as Coldplay whose fanbase is massive, their career is all about the music.  Coldplay would most likely not get mobbed while taking a walk.

Do not misunderstand me. I am not saying the fanbase is not real. However, I do wonder if I was this ''massive fan'' because of the music they created or just because of the way they were portrayed as these ''perfect boys that would make the perfect son in law''.  

I'd like to believe in most of these cases that we were fans because of a combination of both these reasons. They did make good songs - for us at the time to listen to and enjoy, and they were very boys.

But I still do not understand why we all got so hysteric?

What is it that makes us - girls in particular - so excited, happy and emotional when a new pop sensation is born? Is it indeed the music? Is it their looks? Is it teenage hormones and going through puberty? Is it that we are all were trying to escape reality, and dreaming of happier days? Or perhaps it is a mixture of all? 

From personal experience, it was a way of finding hope, something to look forward to (not going to lie, their attractive physiques was a big plus *wink, wink*). 

I was not the most popular and pretty girl in school, and the other kids weren't always very kind to me. And listening to One Direction made me feel happier, it made me forget that life sucked. That made me excited to go to their concerts and see them in real life.
Also, girls love songs that tell us we're pretty. 

Looking back, I regret nothing. I had an incredible time at the One Direction concerts, and I believe it is some beautiful thing to have an idol that helps you through your worse days. 

Everyone has their coping methods, and this is the Fangirls.

hoping & doing

In our society today,  a lot of people have this constant urge to do everything before we die. To travel the world, get an education, have a successful career, have a family and so on. And a lot of times everything we want to do becomes ’just talk,’ a dream that we never take the step to make it a reality. Instead, we settle for what we get. Applying for safe degrees at university, for jobs we don’t want because it pays well. We settle for being ’stuck’ at the same place, in the same town we grew up in with the same people. 

When I was between the age of 10-12, I started to dream about moving to another country. At the time it was the cliché dream, living in The United States. I wanted to move to California or New York to pursue my dream to become an actress and the second I graduated high school I was going to start packing and jump on the next flight. Of course, it is an unrealistic dream, but I have always had big dreams. As the years went by the goals changed the destination of where I would want to live changed. It has gone from the USA to England to Italy back to England than the USA again and so on. As well as my career dreams: actress to a stylist to make up artist to a singer to journalist to a teacher. 
Like many others, I started to talk about that I would move to the states and do this and do that. With time this becomes talk and the people I told my plans to, didn’t believe me. 

Okay now,  fast forward ﹣ So, in June 2016 I graduated high school, and I got a job for the summer so I could save up some money because I was going to move to Australia to study at a university in the fall. Now, today, I am living in Brisbane, close to finishing my Business degree and when I look back, I realize that I did it. I made it. My dream to move to another country, to study abroad is now my reality. I did stick to my plan, and it did not just become ’talk.’ 
Looking back on my journey, I've realized it's not impossible. It can be a bit hard, but it is manageable. 
You do not HAVE to stay at your job IF you don't like it. 
You do not HAVE to stay in where you are now IF you're not happy. 
Because hoping for a day that will change your life won't happen. Actions make things happen. 
I know all of this is pretty obvious, and in some cases, it is easier said than done. Depending on what it is in your life you want to change, even the smallest change can make a significant impact. Like perhaps doing things differently in your daily life. Or book a trip or signing up for a yoga class. Just the changing small things, or adding small things will make a massive change in the long run, so why not take control and make things happen?

''a journey of a thousand miles, begins with one single step.''
- Lao Tzu

’’some infinities are bigger than other infinities.’’  

’’Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.’’  

The quote above is one of my favorite quotes. It is mentioned in the heartbreaking book The Fault in our stars written by NY Times best-selling author John Green.

It explains that there are an infinite amount of numbers between the number 0 and 1. But there is a more endless amount of numbers between the number 0 and 2. And it continues forever. 
It is the same with life, some humans have a longer life, others have a shorter, and we have different amounts of numbers with different people.

I had a friend whom I met in my third year of high school. She was set back one year for transferring schools, but we hung out at lunch and if we ever had study hall at the same time. We also spent time together shopping, having lunch after school, we spent hours on talking about graduation, our dreams, and plans. We became fairly good friends.
The time of my graduation came, and I was very excited. She was so happy for me, and we celebrated all day.  After a long day, it was over. It was my last summer in Sweden, before I was moving abroad - to Australia - starting studying at University. I got a job for the summer which consumed most of my time, but we texted now and then. 

July 15th came and spent time in the city before starting my shift at work. I was renewing my passport, and afterward, I was having lunch with my friend. 
We had lunch, had a coffee in the park and then she followed me to work to buy something from my workplace, we said our goodbyes and I started my work shift. Little did I know that would be the last time I saw her.

The summer flew by, and we had a little contact, and then it was time for me to pack my bags and move to Australia. I was very caught up in my new life, my whole world changed and everything was fascinating for me, leading to me losing touch with a lot of my friends back in Sweden. Including her. 

November 9th. 
Was the day I received the news, no one wants to hear. I received the news that a couple of weeks prior, my friend had taken her own life. 
The sadness and guilt flood over me with a million questions. 
How could I not know?
Why did she feel like she couldn’t tell me about what was going on?
How could I be so selfish and not stayed in touch?
What made her feel like that was the only option? 
I ended my day with a few glasses of wine, and the guilt grew with each minute. 

Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. My friend had fewer numbers than me, and I do wish she had more. I wish that I could go back and be a better friend, maybe I could have stopped this awful ending for her. 

This terrible and tragic event has made me think about that quote a lot. 
So, live your life. Live every moment. Live and experience every feeling. Take risks and all of the opportunities that comes your way. 
And know that even if its life sucks sometimes, it won’t be or feel like that forever. It will stop. Life won’t feel like shit forever. 
I am so grateful that I had a few numbers with my dear friend. Getting to know her and being her friend. And until my numbers are out, I will live my little infinity to the fullest. 
For the both of us.