’’Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.’’
The quote above is one of my favorite quotes. It is mentioned in the heartbreaking book The Fault in our stars written by NY Times best-selling author John Green.
It explains that there are an infinite amount of numbers between the number 0 and 1. But there is a more endless amount of numbers between the number 0 and 2. And it continues forever.
It is the same with life, some humans have a longer life, others have a shorter, and we have different amounts of numbers with different people.
I had a friend whom I met in my third year of high school. She was set back one year for transferring schools, but we hung out at lunch and if we ever had study hall at the same time. We also spent time together shopping, having lunch after school, we spent hours on talking about graduation, our dreams, and plans. We became fairly good friends.
The time of my graduation came, and I was very excited. She was so happy for me, and we celebrated all day. After a long day, it was over. It was my last summer in Sweden, before I was moving abroad - to Australia - starting studying at University. I got a job for the summer which consumed most of my time, but we texted now and then.
July 15th came and spent time in the city before starting my shift at work. I was renewing my passport, and afterward, I was having lunch with my friend.
We had lunch, had a coffee in the park and then she followed me to work to buy something from my workplace, we said our goodbyes and I started my work shift. Little did I know that would be the last time I saw her.
The summer flew by, and we had a little contact, and then it was time for me to pack my bags and move to Australia. I was very caught up in my new life, my whole world changed and everything was fascinating for me, leading to me losing touch with a lot of my friends back in Sweden. Including her.
Was the day I received the news, no one wants to hear. I received the news that a couple of weeks prior, my friend had taken her own life.
The sadness and guilt flood over me with a million questions.
How could I not know?
Why did she feel like she couldn’t tell me about what was going on?
How could I be so selfish and not stayed in touch?
What made her feel like that was the only option?
I ended my day with a few glasses of wine, and the guilt grew with each minute.
Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. My friend had fewer numbers than me, and I do wish she had more. I wish that I could go back and be a better friend, maybe I could have stopped this awful ending for her.
This terrible and tragic event has made me think about that quote a lot.
So, live your life. Live every moment. Live and experience every feeling. Take risks and all of the opportunities that comes your way.
And know that even if its life sucks sometimes, it won’t be or feel like that forever. It will stop. Life won’t feel like shit forever.
I am so grateful that I had a few numbers with my dear friend. Getting to know her and being her friend. And until my numbers are out, I will live my little infinity to the fullest.
For the both of us.